Over the past week, I have been in a spiritual block. I haven’t heard the Lord speaking to me. I have struggled in my worship. I have struggled in my prayer. The bitterness started to consume me.

“LORD, WHERE ARE YOU?”

We like to have random nights of worship in our home. Last night was one of those nights and I spontaneously volunteered to teach. Panic set in…I’m in a block. I have absolutely no idea where to begin. Cranked up some worship music, held my Bible in my lap, closed my eyes and just allowed. “Holy Spirit, I just need one word. Fill me with one word that each person in this room needs right now.”

My word…..APPROVAL

I have a section in my Bible that gives scripture references based on key words. I looked up approval, and nothing was there. I found myself being led to the book of Matthew, and this is where I landed.

I thought about these two blind men, and what strong holds they might have. We aren’t worthy…we can’t do what others can…we aren’t contributing to society…what do people think of us… I compare these strong holds to mine. What do people think of me…do I do a good enough job…am I good enough…do I worship weird…is everyone looking at me…

What if I was on that road? When Jesus was near, would I have shouted out to him? Or would I have allowed my self doubt to over rule and I quietly watch him walk by. These men chose to shout. “Lord, son of David, have mercy on us!”

The crowd then yelled at them. I can imagine that moment of standing there. Do I allow these people to shut me down? Do I give into my need for approval and just disappear in the crowd?

These men did not. The shouted again, even louder.

Jesus stopped, touched their eyes, and instantly they could see.

How many blessings are we missing out on by being tied down by our strong holds? What are we missing out on by worrying about approval from others? Can you imagine if you stepped out in Faith from that strong hold what Jesus could do in your life?

First and foremost, I will snap on you in a heartbeat if you mess with my kids. I mean absolutely lose my mind without a moments hesitation. The whole concept of pausing to evaluate the whole situation and thinking before I act completely goes out the window.

When I started reading scripture regarding anger, this is what I found first.

Honestly, I didn’t look for any other scriptures, that was all I really needed. It doesn’t get anymore simple than that. Slow down folks. Take time to listen, think before speaking, and keep your attitude in check. Easy peasy right? If only it was…

The world really is harder than it should be. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we want to yell and throw our hands in the air. When someone hurts someone close to us, we want to retaliate. When someone accuses us of something, we want to accuse back. The possibilities of what can happen that potentially makes us angry is endless.

God doesn’t want us to have that worldly anger that makes us bitter. He wants us instead to turn to him, trust and allow him to take the reigns. He desires us to refrain from acting out and be a servant to him.

Perhaps next time someone cuts you off in traffic, take a moment and pray for them. They could be trying to get to an emergency situation. Perhaps next time someone hurts someone close to you, pause and pray over the circumstances. Perhaps next time someone accuses you of something, hold your tongue and pray for God to lead you in how to respond.

We don’t know what hardships are going on in others lives around us, and they don’t know what’s going on in ours. Even a tiny bit of kindness and prayers can make a world of difference.

As for me? Well, I’m going to keep working on telling myself, “Jen, be slow to anger, you got this,” over and over. Strive to be the servant that God would have me be, and keep my cool. In the meantime, please, just don’t mess with my kids.

It took me a long time to realize when God was speaking to me. I would pray, thought I was listening, but never seemed to hear much. Turns out, he was speaking to me the whole time, just in a different way than I expected.

I was expecting a clear voice in my head telling me exactly what he wanted me to do. I was expecting things to just happen, solely based on my prayers. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had an abundance of blessings, but I still just felt like I couldn’t hear him.

One day, in a moment of quietness and worship in my mind, I suddenly found myself having a random debate in my head. A thought creep in, and for whatever reason, I kept thinking. “Is that you God? Or is my mind just being weird?” I was frozen in the moment, debating back and forth. The longer I stood there, the louder the thought got. “Ok God, you got my attention. I think it’s you anyways.” Still frozen in time, it was almost like now that he knew he had my attention, he shouted at me to make sure. And just like that, I got my affirmation.

I believe that God speaks to everyone in different ways. I’ve always been told that God oftentimes whispers to us, and if we don’t quiet ourselves, we can miss it. I relate to that, for me his word comes in quietly, but I feel it strongly in my core. Sometimes I feel it so strongly, that I can only describe it by saying that God is shouting at me.

The power in hearing God speak is that he will provide the words we need in any situation to be a witness to others. I love this verse and what it represents. We can cast the word out and maybe the bobber nudges someone and strikes their curiosity about the good news of Jesus. That bobber might wobble around just like when a fish is curious about if the bait is safe and will fill his belly. When that fish feels safe, he goes all in for that bait. When we witness to others and they see mercy and grace we are filled with when we are saved by the blood of Jesus, they could potentially go all in.

I encourage you, find a quiet place, open your mind and allow God to speak to you in his way, not yours. He wants to fill you up so much that you overflow into others. Be that person, always have your fishing pole on hand. You never know who’s out there in the murky water in need of a bobber.

The internal battle of shame vs guilt. Do you know the difference?

I joined a small group at my church this semester, it’s called “Freedom”. The first week was a motivational video and a brief meditation session. I felt really good about how I saw this journey going. Week two was a little different. Our teacher, Amy, told us we were diving in deep. First topic to address:

Did you know there is a difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is what you feel, and shame attacks who you are.

Oh my. This is about to get real. She began to explain how shame is all a lie, and as long as we carried on believing these lies, satan was steadily using them against us. Every. Single. Day. After a brief discussion, we were instructed to reflect for a moment. We were going to think of some shame we each carry and journal for five minutes about it. I picked up the sparkly silver pencil from my table, and put it to the yellow notepad.

Palms sweating, shaking my leg from nervousness, I gave myself a quick pep talk. Breathe Jen, just write something down. It’s only five minutes. You got this. The words all of a sudden came easy. My mind was on a spiral into a hole that I’ve avoided for so long.

I caused so much hurt. I lied and I caused unnecessary pain. I was selfish and stupid. I caused so much turmoil amongst so many people. I was so dumb.

There was more that I wrote, but you get the idea. About half way into my writing, a light bulb went off. I looked around the room, as if there was a real light bulb flashing over my head and everyone could see. You see, everything I was writing was shame. If I had been writing out of guilt, I would have said things much differently.

My choices caused so much hurt. I chose to lie and my lies caused unnecessary pain. My choices were selfish and stupid. I chose to cause so much turmoil amongst so many people. My choices were dumb.

Obviously, there is a huge difference. In my shame, I identify myself as all of these things. Satan feeds on this shame, which makes it hard to let go and move forward. In my guilt, I can see the effects of my bad choices, but they do not identify who I am.

The good news is, our mighty God forgives our bad choices, all we have to do is ask. I encourage you today, work on recognizing your guilt verses shame, and seek out the Lord in forgiveness. Stop giving the devil ammunition to use against you!

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. Psalms 34:6

Does your anxiety have anxiety? Mine sure does. It’s a serious work in progress for me. I almost need a scroll to list it all. Here I will just name a few, most of you can probably relate to some.

• Anxiety about my kids and the paths in life they are on
• Anxiety about our finances in general
• Anxiety about my job and if I am performing it to the best of my abilities
• Anxiety about why I am always losing things

I read those scriptures and am reminded of how unnecessarily heavy all of this anxiety makes my shoulders feel. Heavy enough to make me want to go crawl under my covers and sleep for a day or two.

Can you imagine?

I picture these annoying little cartoon characters lined up at the edge of my bed, each with a caption bubble over their head signifying which topic of my anxiety belongs to them. As soon as I sit up, they would all be jumping on my back for me to carry around again.

Instead of going to bed, I choose prayer. I’ve learned over time that prayer doesn’t necessarily mean dropping to your knees, prayer can be done anywhere at any time. In the check out line…driving down the road…sitting amongst friends. Prayer also doesn’t have to be said out loud. God hears all of our thoughts, he is constantly aware of where our minds are.

So, lets pause, and pray. Right now.

Heavenly Father, thank you for your never failing love. Thank you for your continued mercy and grace with our shortcomings. I pray in this moment Lord, that anyone reading this would cast out their anxiety and claim that you are in control. You already know the outcome of every situation and every circumstance that each and every one of us are dealing with. You are holding us in your hands, and our faith and trust in you is the only thing that really matters. I pray for comfort and guidance and a lifting of any weight that each of us may be carrying. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Now, take a deep breath…hold it for a moment…then slowly release. God heard our prayer, and he is working in our lives as we speak.

Do you ever feel like you do more bad than good in your life? Would you like to make some changes but don’t know how? I have good news for you!

I have done some really dumb things in my life. I’ve made some decisions that I look back at and wonder how in the world I got so caught up in things and couldn’t see the bigger picture. Oddly enough, I never seemed to learn my lesson the first time, or second time, or third time. I always suffered consequences of various forms, and I always hurt people close to me. Why in the world did I think it was ok to do said dumb things, and more importantly, why was I ok just dealing with consequences, trying to talk myself out of the situations, and continue on, never changing. There was clearly something wrong with me

It really took me hitting absolute rock bottom, before I was able to grasp onto my last straw and say, “God, I need you.” Suddenly I was saying it over and over and over again. Little did I know, that last straw was actually more defined as a tiny last little bit of faith. I learned really quickly that rock bottom wasn’t such a horrible place to be…at that point the only way to go was up. 

God picked me up that day. In fact, God picks me up every single day. My last straw changed the course of my life. A new path, new people, new outlook, new mindset. That tiny last little bit of faith, has allowed me to become a complete stranger to the person I was before.  Don’t get me wrong, I still face struggles and challenges, but I face them in a different light now. 

In the Bible, Matthew 17:20, Jesus tells the disciples, “You don’t have enough faith.” I don’t distinctly recall what the discussion was about and why Jesus was telling them that. I’m better at retaining the significant parts of stories verses the minor details. But Jesus continues on speaking to the disciples and says, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’, and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”